I sat across the table from them. Admiring A.J. scoop up his ice cream with excitement, Gerrimar biting into his apple with immense satisfaction and Miguel quietly sipping on his lemonade.

Picture perfect moment.

Just as my mouth was turning into a smile Miguel had blown into his straw and started blowing bubbles. Nothing major, but enough for him to look straight at me and apologise almost immediately. He looked over at his brothers, they giggled a little and then A.J. gave him ‘the look’. Miguel Β turned to me “sorry mum”, and that was that.

We all left feeling content and incredibly full that the walk back to the car was somewhat bearable for a winter’s night. Stories exchanged over dinner continued while Gerrimar hopped in tune to the zebra crossing. A.J. and Miguel had distanced themselves a few metres and only the joyous sounds of their laughs heard. Marlon and I walked hand in hand- no words, just each other’s company.

On the drive home between listening to school and work stories, I also had Β my mind in a different place. A place I so often find myself in these days.

I’ve never felt so much love. Not just towards these four human beings, but also in return.

I find myself lost in the stories my boys are telling as I try to figure out what I am feeling. I mean, I know I love them but it’s also filled with so much joy and excitement. At the same time I feel a great amount of fear and trouble. They are all under the age of ten but I always think about their future. What if this, what if that. How can Marlon and I ensure that these precious little treasures of ours grow to be good people? How do we ensure that they will not be hurt? CanΒ we actually protect them from the cruel harsh world they are yet to know?

I agree with my boys when they say that we’ll all live together until forever and ever and they’re never going to get married and be with mummy and daddy forever- because well, at the moment I’m going to hold onto that thought for as long as they’d like me to. They drive me nuts but I’ll take a crazy household any day. I know where they are, I know they’re safe.

I think though, the only real way to know they’re going to be “okay” is to make sure they grow to be good boys. Good, helpful humans.

They can have some fun, laugh amongst themselves and realise on their own they’ve done the wrong thing and action on it- I witnessed this over dinner tonight, so I think I can sleep sound tonight πŸ™‚

Until tomorrow, goodnight world xxx

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